An Itching At The Fingertips

I can stop, but I always start again...writing that is. Like a drug, a sweet intoxicating fix that I need to inhale. I savor it. Whatever the reason, the drive is ever-present, pervading, permanent.

I am back again. Back in a town I don't understand, in a town I cannot seem to open up my heart to. It's days are full of heat, while its nights resound with a symphony of crickets. I may not understand the intricacies of the real hows and whys I am in this town (apart from the obvious vocation of being a law student), but I am determined to make the best of the sun and the earth I have before me.
Classes have begun, and unlike last semester I actually do not mind going to them...on the contrary I rather go to them than sit at home and do nothing all day long. It's such a strange dichotomy of emotion one can feel sometimes trying to balance the ease of apathy and idleness with the want for adventure and new experiences. Life recently had been marked by the latter...an understanding and excitement about the unknown and the dangerous. Perhaps 'dangerous' isn't quite the right adjective, but in a way the choices that I have made recently are dangerous...dangerous in that I haven't been protecting the most vulnerable parts of my life and my being. I have been reckless in my decision making. Wait, let me backtrack slightly...because all of this must (of course) be put into context. My danger lies does not lie with fast cars, illicit drugs, or numerous and rampant sexual encounters...no, it lies more in the realm of my education, a career...in future planning. I blame Law School, it makes me a rebel when really I'm no more than a cream-puff.

They seem to all know what they want, the people here. They walk around with purpose, they've made plans, they're following their dreams. They're forcing their fantasies into reality. Sometimes it is as though I'm just taking up space here. While my classmates busy themselves with job interviews all over the country, I busy myself with thinking of how long I plan on being a lawyer for. I have yet to pass my 2L year, yet to sit for the bar, yet to land my first job as a practicing attorney, and already I'm thinking of what I can do afterward. It is classic means-to-an-end thinking. Using one career as a stepping stone to another. The thing is...the second career is a complete loss...the concept has yet to be born in my mind. Let me throw in another caveat, just to make things both more fair, and more interesting. I don't hate law school...I don't even hate the law. The law, and the practice of it is fascinating...granted it will chew you up and spit you out, but it is never boring. I like that, I like that it is something that touches almost every aspect of our lives, and I will be a part of that. But as awesome as the law is, as interested I am in certain aspects of it, I still never pictured myself as a suit-clad lawyer at the age of 24. That's what I will be though, 2010 law school graduate, 24-years-old and in a career. I guess I always pictured myself as more of a rambler, someone who would move to some off-beat town in some far-off land and make a meagerly comfortable living doing something completely random. Being a lawyer is nothing I'll be ashamed of...I just hope I can somehow intertwine my need to experience new places and things as a carefree soul, with what is shaping up to be my serious career as a lawyer. Time will tell...time always tells...but it would be great if it would be kind enough to pass along some little hints sometimes.
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On another note...the country has gone crazy. Our financial market has fallen victim to our own follies: overenthusiasm and greed...and yes, we are still obsessed with the impending election. Approximately 6 weeks are all that stand between my fellow countrymen and the poll-booths. To be honest I don't know who this election is going to go to. Obama seems so obvious a choice that sometimes I wonder if maybe there is something about the McCain/Palin ticket that I am unfairly overlooking. Maybe I am giving them the raw end of the deal...either way it doesn't matter. I am voting for Barack Obama. There is no choice, there's duty...and I'm finally doing something dutiful for my country and voting for someone we should really believe in. It might appear drastic, but if McCain wins, I actually might move out of the country. It's a big world...and no joke, I would rather adopt a temporary home than stay here and watch the country I love dig itself an even deeper grave.

In finality, I leave the lyrics of Tom Petty's American Girl:
Well she was an American girl, raised on promises. She couldn't help thinkin' that there was a little more to life somewhere else. After all it was a great big world, with lots of places to run to. Yeah, and if she had to die tryin' she had one little promise she was gonna keep.